A new way of life

We collected Lottie yesterday afternoon from the Animal Hospital.  I think that no matter how much reading you do, nothing can prepare you for the moment when you first see your animal post-op.
My first thought was "They shaved so much hair off!"  They took off most of Lottie's white around her neck.  It's quite interesting to see the stubble and what colour the hair actually is!  My second thought was "That hole is huge!"
It's the right dimensions for her size - there has been quite a bit of research and it has to be so much of the trachae and so much of the diameter, etc.  But it looks massive on her little bald throat!  When she looks at me with her head at a certain angle, I keep thinking she looks like the Decepticon logo from Transformers!!  Her bare shoulders make her look a little like a bulldog, but they left the fur on the back of her neck, so she has this funny mohawk thing going from her head to just past her shoulders!

I think the hardest part to live with will be her bark - it's gone.  She does this little coughing sound - I still need to do some research to find out where her voice box was and why the air doesn't go over it any more. But I loved my baby "chatting" to me and her little noises.  They said it might come back, it might not.  Figuring out if she's barking or choking means watching her to see what movements she makes.  I suspect that she might stop trying to bark because it's not sounding right.  It's heartbreaking to see her make the movements for barking and nothing comes out.  But I didn't get much sleep last night cos I was constantly checking on her.  And that's something that can't change - if she chokes on something during the night, she has no way to tell me.

The cleaning has been interesting.  I've had to clean it four times so far - I don't actually know how often I'm supposed to clean it - the guidelines didn't say and I can't remember if she told me at the clinic.  I'm trying to be confident about it - after the fiasco of trying to cut Lottie's nails and she picked up on my nervousness - but I don't think I'm doing a very good job because she keeps trying to distract me and avoid me.  I don't think I'm hurting her, because she does let me do whatever I want to do without shying away.

This is so huge and I just hope her life will be better.  Not necessarily easier, but I was overprotective anyway!  She'll be used to that. It's funny though, how what we do to keep our animals with us, teaches us to deal with things we never thought we could.  I would never have thought I'd be capable of cleaning a hole into her trachea, but it needs to be done and destroying all the work the vet did and after putting her through all that, I have to do my part to help her.